I Thought I Still Had More Time

If you've noticed I've been quiet here for the last few days... this is why.

This week, we put my father on hospice.

I've known this day was coming. I just thought I still had more time.

My father has Parkinson's, and after an infection, his condition declined. He's now unable to feed himself. He can barely open his eyes. He doesn't seem to know who's there or what's happening around him.

It's hard to even write that.

I've been learning what hospice care involves. How they help manage his pain. How they work to keep him comfortable. The people at his hospice agency have been so kind and helpful while we're trying to understand all of this.

There is some relief in knowing we have that help. In knowing there are people focused on making him comfortable.

But at the same time, it makes it real. We're closer to the end than I was ready for.

I don't really know what the next few days will look like here. I may post less. Or I may find that I need to talk, tell some stories about my dad, and get some of what's in my head out.

I'm not sure yet.

Right now, I just want to say thank you. To everyone who has checked in, offered help, or let us know you're thinking about us. And to the hospice team helping care for my father through this.

It means a lot.

I've known that one day I would lose my dad. But knowing that doesn't mean I want it to happen. It doesn't mean I'm ready.

It's been a heartbreaking week.